Escritura Arbitraria

Ok so I know my Blog is called “Just Poetry”, but somehow I’m out of rhyme and rhythm and I need to do some serious venting.
Today I feel like the first soldier who dies in a war; who makes no contribution to defending the nation, but who just dies. Period.

I know when I’ve cut myself some or alotta slack and when I’ve worked so profusely hard that I’ve forgotten to sleep. Today is almost over-another 10 minutes- but the experience of today will stay with me forever. I’ll probably have to bear its brunt even, but I cannot reconcile with it. How can a person who worked so hard, get a 263/500 in the 5th semester LLB examinations? No, no, I just fail to comprehend. I put my heart and soul into this, did everything I possibly could, yet I have been rewarded with ‘negative victory’. How is it that even after marking and measuring each step, analyzing where to place my foot, I see myself falling in a deep crater. Now I’m just waiting to hit the ground. How can the universe be so heartless and throw so many problems at me at the same time?

The past two years have been like a one way journey to a land of immense torment and pain. Hey, I’m not bragging, but I am a nice person ( well atleast I was one). I do stop my car when I see a woman trying to nurse a stalled car, I always get extra photocopies of notes, just incase someone needs them. I am always there for people in general. So doing these little numerous good deeds have definitely resulted in a credit of my “good karma account”. But do I see its manifestation in my life? No. And to come to think of it.. I never did. No matter how much I have helped people.. I never got anything back.. I mean its cause and effect right? So I should get back some amount of good that I do. But where does all the good that I do go? I really don’t know. Helping people only brought into my life arbit people. Bloody hell. Getting things Xeroxed dropping it off at “HER” house in the middle of my exams.. and what the fuck does she do.. well fucks me through and through mentally. I can give numerous such examples where people have happily screwed me over. So now I have come to the conclusion that doing good does not bring good in return. Well my only complaint is that my hardwork should be rewarded. Here I am putting all my efforts, religiously chanting for success and I am faced with a wall that has one locked door and the key to which lies probably in the belly of the sleeping devil. I was reassured that the key lies with no one but me. But shouldn’t the key have surfaced after the efforts which were channelized into chanting and working so bloody hard? Well it should have, but it didn’t, so I know for sure that I have no key. I was reaasured that not getting marks was protection!!!! No entiendo lo que significa esto. No sé qué ahora hacer. Am I going to wait more and test my patience more and see how life screws me over and over again? well no. I know I can’t do anything more to fix anything, because I did what was in my human capacity. Every concept of the life philosophy, which I have so much faith in, seems to be escaping my understanding. I really thought I understood things, well atleast theoretically. But now I’m not sure. There is no cause and effect. For all the ‘wrong’ I do, I get back wrong, which is fair, but all the ‘right’ that I do, brings back nothing, its an unbalanced chemical equation, its not fair.

23.49 hrs, 7th February, 2007

I walk on desert thorns,
But blades of grass cut into my feet.
I sleep on broken glass,
But the touch of cotton makes me bleed.

I can fly in air,
But I fear to walk on ground.
I can hear silence,
But no, not sound.

I can see the ethereal,
But to the tangible I am blind.
I stay ahead of time,
But in a race with people, I am left behind.

Copyright © Ambalika Banerjee, 2006

[Haiku] - 1

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Transformation

Red cherry ice cream

in a bowl, on the table

now not cream, liquid

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Road

Not a place to go,

forgotten destination,

amused by the journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Huh?

Life is a question,

pain and tears too many,

struggle is the answer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be careful while driving

Going home from work,

driving on the wet highway,

thinking in the car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Random

Sitting in law class,

concentration diverted,

cars honking outside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tapur-Tupur

Pitter patter drops,

greener things appear to be,

flowers smile at me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night...today morn…

To the rage of thunderstorm I awoke.
Way past midnight, but hours before the sun would rise.
I brushed my hair aside, rubbed my eyes,
Peeped through slightly parted curtains,
To see a light, inviting, shower outside.
I wore my flip-flops and took off,
To be one with nature.

I love walking in the rain, to cry while walking in the rain,
So I can detox from my body all the pain,
Yet not let anyone know of the same,
That I cried in the rain.
Then tears mixed with raindrops,
Wash down to the ground,
To seek shelter under the veil of 'Goddess Ops'.

But, I went out last night…today morn…
Just to take a walk, not to mourn.
To celebrate life and the new sun,
Which promises a new day, a new conundrum.
I sat on the wet slushy ground,
Watching the sky adorn herself with dabs of purple.
No longer is it last night…it is today morn…

Copyright © Ambalika Banerjee, 2006

[In the last year and a half, two of my very good friends died. One committed suicide, the other died of jaundice. I wrote this this poem for the both of them. They should know that they are in my prayers every single day. I also hope that all my friends always be safe and healthy.]

Rest.in.Peace

It haunts me now,
To think that you were a part of my life.
It haunts me now,
That you aren’t anymore.
It haunts me now,
That no matter how badly I want you back,
You’re gone forever.
You don’t live with your smiles or eyes.
You’re the wind that blows,
You’re the river that flows.
You’re the flower that blooms,
You’re the blazing fire’s fumes.
You’re the song of a bird,
You’re my every word.
You’re the laughter of a child,
You’re the nature, so wild.
You’re all around me,
still I miss you.
I miss talking to you.
When we were continents apart,
We were in touch.
Now you’re in everything I see,
Yet so far away.

Now no one calls everyday to ask me how I am.
Now no one takes my side, no matter what.
How will I go on like this?
Smiles no longer seem real, even though they might be,
My vision is blurred from all the tears,
Please come and wipe them for me,
Or I beg you to come and take me with you

Now not just my eyes, but my heart bleeds too.
Come back and take me with you,
Or stay a li’l longer and just help me through.

Copyright © Ambalika Banerjee, 2006

[This is a poem written by my good friend Jaishree or as I call her JJ. I thank you JJ, for being there, being there when i really needed a shoulder to cry on, for being there when i needed a friend, for being there when i was so sad and suicidal.. thanks JJ for just being there.]

Oh! My darling friend..

Why do you weep my darling friend,
in stony silence?
What happened my darling friend?
It isn’t worth your dew drop tears,
Thou shall not weep my darling friend, I beseech thee.

Recognise thy enemy my darling friend,
as sharp as thorn bushes.
For your ally my darling friend,
turned upon you sly.

Oh! My darling friend, my darling friend,
Do not cry for evil outside.
Thou art too sweet my darling friend,
Surrounded by bright light.

Do not let the dark light, my darling friend,
Engulf your angel heart.
Look around my darling friend,
For people who care about you.

In this circle of life, my darling friend,
Do not shy away from evil.
Face it! My darling friend,
with your inner strength.

You know it, my darling friend,
deep in your heart,
You are too precious to cry over betrayal,
Oh! My darling friend.

~Jaishree

(I am not a science student.. I never studied what Einstein propounded, but i have always dated guys who were hard core engineers or science FREAKS!.. So just felt like naming this poem Theory of Relativity.. no offence to Einstein... I Love his hair!)


Cobainess’ Theory of Relativity

Perfect for you,
May not be perfect for me.
Perfection is relative you see.

It’s like beauty.
We all are most definitely beautiful,
But your beauty may appeal to one
And mine to another.

It’s like freedom.
It’s a mind game.
You may feel constricted while flying in the skies.
I may feel free in a dark prison cell.

It’s like paradise.
You may feel like you’re in hell albeit being surrounded by angels,
being surrounded by the divine strength,
I may feel paradise in a crowd that is cursing and abusing,
the earth that I walk on may be paradise for me.

It’s like happiness,
Or sadness,
You may be unhappy with all the money in the world,
with the biggest mansion to live in,
with a gamut cars and everything marked as a “brand”.
I may be absolutely happy, with a hole in my pocket,
Walking on the beach just with someone to hold my hand.

So perfection too is absolutely relative...
Perfect for you,
May not be perfect for me.
Perfection is relative you see.

Copyright © Ambalika Banerjee, 2006

Memories…

Memories fade, no matter how good.
No matter horrific.
No matter how romantic.

Time takes it toll on memories too,
Making memories guests,
To be here for a moment or two.

So many things which made me cry,
No longer do.
Now I struggle to remember, why, they made me cry.

So many things which made me smile,
No longer do,
Now it takes a while to remember, why, they made me smile.

Memories fade, no matter how bad.
Memories of death.
Memories of birth.

Futile may I say it would be,
To hold onto them unnecessarily.
Why hold onto something which can never be mine.
For it will evaporate too,
As a glass full of wine.

I must learn to let go..
Let go of these memories,
Which are here but for a moment or two.

I thought perhaps whoever goes away from me,
The memories would be mine forever.
This isn’t the case however,
As memories fade away and too betray …

Copyright © Ambalika Banerjee, 2006

Just thoughts…

What is it that I see in you?
You are but, quite ordinary.
Tall, dark and handsome – no not really.

Perhaps I’m just in love with the thought of you.
In love? Yes, in love with the thought of you.
I knew you for not very long, but I knew you well.
I knew what you were thinking
And what your mind was about to tell.

Or perhaps it was my strong intuition,
Which works on everyone, so maybe I didn’t know you that well.
Fine.
Thinking for a year I’ve just wasted my time.
Fine!

But you see, I still have a problem,
I’m still in love with the thought of you,
Which I’m unable to handle.
It has murdered the better half of me,
I’m surprised you failed to see.

Or perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised,
For I told you once “you’re so compassionate”,
maybe I was wrong.
And when you said “No I’m not”,
maybe you were right.

I’m so unsure of myself and everything that surrounds me,
Trust me I really want to let go and be free…
To be free from the thought of being in love with you.
I have to be free,
Before this thought murders the other half of me too.

Copyright © Ambalika Banerjee, 2006