Escritura Arbitraria

Ok so I know my Blog is called “Just Poetry”, but somehow I’m out of rhyme and rhythm and I need to do some serious venting.
Today I feel like the first soldier who dies in a war; who makes no contribution to defending the nation, but who just dies. Period.

I know when I’ve cut myself some or alotta slack and when I’ve worked so profusely hard that I’ve forgotten to sleep. Today is almost over-another 10 minutes- but the experience of today will stay with me forever. I’ll probably have to bear its brunt even, but I cannot reconcile with it. How can a person who worked so hard, get a 263/500 in the 5th semester LLB examinations? No, no, I just fail to comprehend. I put my heart and soul into this, did everything I possibly could, yet I have been rewarded with ‘negative victory’. How is it that even after marking and measuring each step, analyzing where to place my foot, I see myself falling in a deep crater. Now I’m just waiting to hit the ground. How can the universe be so heartless and throw so many problems at me at the same time?

The past two years have been like a one way journey to a land of immense torment and pain. Hey, I’m not bragging, but I am a nice person ( well atleast I was one). I do stop my car when I see a woman trying to nurse a stalled car, I always get extra photocopies of notes, just incase someone needs them. I am always there for people in general. So doing these little numerous good deeds have definitely resulted in a credit of my “good karma account”. But do I see its manifestation in my life? No. And to come to think of it.. I never did. No matter how much I have helped people.. I never got anything back.. I mean its cause and effect right? So I should get back some amount of good that I do. But where does all the good that I do go? I really don’t know. Helping people only brought into my life arbit people. Bloody hell. Getting things Xeroxed dropping it off at “HER” house in the middle of my exams.. and what the fuck does she do.. well fucks me through and through mentally. I can give numerous such examples where people have happily screwed me over. So now I have come to the conclusion that doing good does not bring good in return. Well my only complaint is that my hardwork should be rewarded. Here I am putting all my efforts, religiously chanting for success and I am faced with a wall that has one locked door and the key to which lies probably in the belly of the sleeping devil. I was reassured that the key lies with no one but me. But shouldn’t the key have surfaced after the efforts which were channelized into chanting and working so bloody hard? Well it should have, but it didn’t, so I know for sure that I have no key. I was reaasured that not getting marks was protection!!!! No entiendo lo que significa esto. No sé qué ahora hacer. Am I going to wait more and test my patience more and see how life screws me over and over again? well no. I know I can’t do anything more to fix anything, because I did what was in my human capacity. Every concept of the life philosophy, which I have so much faith in, seems to be escaping my understanding. I really thought I understood things, well atleast theoretically. But now I’m not sure. There is no cause and effect. For all the ‘wrong’ I do, I get back wrong, which is fair, but all the ‘right’ that I do, brings back nothing, its an unbalanced chemical equation, its not fair.

23.49 hrs, 7th February, 2007